I thought my husband was cheating. What I found was so much worse

Dear Jane,

I was convinced my husband was cheating.

He would slip away to his office for hours at a time, glued to his phone, as small chunks of money vanished from our shared bank account. Never mind the late hours at work and how he hurriedly stashed away his phone whenever I entered a room.

When I pressed him on it, he would furiously deny any wrongdoing.

But all the hallmarks of an affair were there. Or so I thought. As it turns out, I was dead wrong.

One day, I decided once and for all to settle this by going through his phone while he was in the shower.

To my shock, there was no other woman… but something altogether more disturbing.

Where dating apps might normally be – hidden away in a secret folder – I instead found a trove of crypto exchange apps. And he had been using our shared funds.

When confronted, he fessed up immediately, telling me he had been buying cryptocurrency for weeks after a friend hit the jackpot and made a large sum of money very quickly. I told him to quit while he was ahead, otherwise he ran the risk of going bankrupt if he lost it all.

While he initially agreed, I would catch him sneakily checking the apps, buying more and more. The man was addicted – and no doubt draining our savings.

Now, I’m at a loss.

Not only do I feel that I am competing with his crypto obsession for his attention, I am hurt that he won’t take seriously my requests to stop. I’m worried our marriage won’t be able to withstand this if he continues – especially if he starts to lose a large amount of our money.

Sincerely,

Crypto Compulsion

Dear Crypto Compulsion,

You are right to be concerned.

While it may seem more palatable that he is gambling – which is essentially what he is doing – rather than having an affair, the betrayal is the secrecy.

Worse, you have asked him to stop, with the very real fear that he will bankrupt both of you, but he has continued behind your back.

The fact is, this is a major problem that is hurting your relationship and will continue to do more damage if things don’t change.

This isn’t about investing in crypto, but about trust and his compulsive behavior with shared money. And his inability to stop even after you have told him to is all about the rush, the dopamine release at the prospect of a big financial payout.

So, rather than make this a problem that he has with crypto, talk to him in terms of you as a team versus a problem that is hurting your marriage.

Ask for boundaries. Perhaps that looks like a strict cap on investing, or a small personal risk fund that will allow him to continue (if he insists), but protect your shared savings.

There has been a huge breach of trust and in order for you to trust him again your boundaries need to be set and respected.

If he refuses, violates your boundaries or minimizes your concerns, it’s time to find a couples counselor, because your instincts are correct – your marriage will not withstand this.

Dear Jane,

My best friend is getting married and I’m her maid of honor.

As such, I’ve been integral in helping her plan the big day – but there’s just one thing I can’t tell her.

You see, she wants to sing at her own wedding.

She’s convinced that she’s incredibly talented after taking singing lessons growing up and into adulthood. Unfortunately, she sounds horrible.

I just have not drummed up the courage to admit it to her.

I’ve attempted to persuade her otherwise, telling her she’ll probably be enjoying the day too much to want to perform a full musical number on stage for all of her guests, but she insists it’s her dream to do so.

As her friend, I just don’t know how I can let her embarrass herself in front of 200 people. But I also don’t know how to break it to her that she’s not as musically gifted as she seems to believe.

Sincerely,

Maid of Dishonor

Dear Maid of Dishonor,

One of the most liberating lessons we can learn in life is that we are powerless over other people.

While it’s noble of you – and a sign of a true friend – to want to protect her from embarrassment, unfortunately, it’s not your job.

This is her day, and she is allowed to do pretty much whatever she wants, which includes singing, however pitchy she may be.

Perhaps what she lacks in talent she will make up for with enthusiasm.

If singing brings her joy, however much you think she can’t sing, joy may well save the day. And if it doesn’t, if all the guests are silently groaning, so be it.

We have all attended karaoke nights where people with terrible voices have taken the mic and, mostly, we sing along with them, delighting in the fact that it’s all a bit rough around the edges.

There is nothing you can do other than support your friend on the day of her dreams, even if parts of it aren’t aligned with what you think is best.